It's August.

A year can be a long time.

365 generations of fruit flies are born and die in a year.

That’s, coincidentally, is also the number of husbands Brittany Spears goes through in a year.

It's also how long I’ve been writing Hollywood Daze.

I don’t know what’s sadder. You fine people taking the time out of your busy day to read this blog or 365 fruit flies "kicking the bucket".  

It’s the last few days of a Wisconsin August and it hasn’t yet dipped below freezing yet. You readers back in the Midwest would consider it downright balmy. In L.A. it’s considered cold outside if you can’t fry eggs on your hood.

We live in such different worlds. For the past year I’ve been writing about life in L.A. compared to the Chilton I remember. Chilton as I’ve wanted to see it. Perhaps needed to see it. But what is Chilton really like after all these years? I'm sure many of you reading this have hometowns that have changed dramatically since you lived there. If it wasn’t for all the blogs I wouldn’t know about such events as the 5KCheesehead Run in Hilbert. Now where else in the world can you see thousands of Cheeseheads running for a good cause? I can’t help but wonder what the sight must look like from an aerial view. A long, weaving and bobbing yellow snake winding and pointing towards a distant finish line.

August is the month in Hollywood to watch sitcoms being taped. I’ve been to at least a dozen of them and  I recommend comfortable underwear. You'll be sitting for at least 5 or 6 hours. The scripts are crisp and the actors fresh out of rehab. If you ever come out here in the fall make it a point to take in a sitcom. It’s free. Take some show biz memories back home. Meet a few stars. Just remember what I have said before; actors are much shorter in person and movie actresses are never as beautiful in person as they are on the big screen. If they were beautiful in person they’d be hookers. Never forget that.

I heard through the grapevine there were a couple of blog readers this past year who were upset over certain comments of a religious nature I might have made. Let me clear this up. I have nothing but the utmost admiration and respect for all religious convictions. It’s our nature to question everything. Tax our minds. Our imagination. After all, if God didn’t trust our judgment He wouldn’t have created Free Will and the Spice Channel.  

I hope this blog has both entertained and amused most of you this past year. (I only hope the others never learn where I live.) I wish every one of you all the best. No matter where you live or where you came from.

Everything has a Beginning and an End; except, unfortunately, for taxes and Rush Limbaugh.

This month marks a full year of blogs and I feel I have bored you enough. I can still be reached at                          Hollywood Daze  

just in case any of you owe me money.

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360

Hollywood Tickets

In Hollywood you know the 4th of July is just around the corner when the L.A.P.D. starts running their public service announcements in movie theaters and on television imploring people not to fire their guns into the air. They won’t admit it, but I suspect some of these same cops, bored and angry at working the holiday shift, are firing their service revolvers into the air at the same time. Perhaps only down the block from the gangbangers firing their guns into the air. It’s one of the few times when the good guys and the bad buys aren’t firing at each other.

All the city and county parks are filled on the 4th with large Mexican families and a few poor White people. The sweet smell of carnitas and beans fills the air. Metal tubs of Corona (Beer of choice) in ice are next to every picnic bench. Drunken men in cowboys hats try to stay on their feet long enough to play soccer with family and friends. The White people bring their portable TVs so they won’t miss out on any of the holiday high speed car chases. The cops chasing another stolen car.

This is a holiday when celebrities leave the city and tourists flock to Hollywood and the Walk of Fame. Some of the tourists will never be seen again. It’s the 4th. of July in L.A. One important lesson I’ve learned from living in L.A. is that bad friends can bring a whole lot of trouble into your life. Bad neighborhoods can kill you. After my son graduated from high school and moved out I fell into this really depressing funk. So I started to hang out with the wrong kind of people in Echo Park. That’s where the movie, "Training Day", was filmed and not the best place to be if you want to avoid running into trouble. If the police aren’t stopping you to ask about your friend in the passenger seat the gangbangers are threatening you to cough up information as to your other friend’s whereabouts. Sooner or later you begin to think and act like everyone around you. One night a crackhead stole my wallet and before the night was over I was involved in my one and only gunfight. Bad neighborhoods can make you crazy. Very crazy. Sort of like a long weekend in Fond du Lac.

Conversely, hanging out in the right neighborhood can make a career out here. You’re just got to capitalize on any opportunity. Jamie Kennedy was a tenant of mine when I managed an apartment building across the street from The Hollywood Bowl. He had already made the movie, "Scream", and was on his way to stardom. Fame didn’t corrupt him in the slightest. He was kind to my son and friendly to everyone in the building. I wish now I had used him. Used him ‘til it hurt. He could have helped my career but I thought using him might look unprofessional. How stupid was I? As I look back there are so many more celebrities I should have used. Freddie Prinze, Sonny & Cher, Dick Clark. Even Sinbad. I should have said anything to them. Made a ton of promises. I could have my own sitcom by now if I had just been a bit more corrupt. Growing up in towns like Chilton can be a handicap. Without knowing it, you develop something of a moral compass. If you’re not careful you just might become a good person.

Here's a final thought out of the blue. I don’t think God has call waiting. I wonder just how many messages He has missed from me. How many times have I prayed and He was busy on the other line with someone more important? How many times have I prayed for a winning lottery ticket? Beach front property in Malibu? Less hair loss? So many things. So many prayers lost on hold. If only He would just get Call Waiting. Imagine how different the world would be.

It’s July and the summer’s half over. How many times have you been to the lake? Caught fireflies in a bottle? Gone fishing on a whim? Eaten fish on Friday? Go visit your home town before you can't recognize it anymore. Drop me a line at

           Hollywood Daze

and let me know how it went.

 The clock is ticking.

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Blogger

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360

A June wedding is to die for. At least that’s what they say. Why do so many couples prefer to "Tie the Knot" this month? Sociologist Keith Farrington of Whitman college in Washington State measured the changes that occur each month in 31 social indicators, such as marriages, divorces, hiring, firings and suicides. Surprisingly, December, long thought to be a month ripe with suicides, was one of the least stressful while June ranked either first, second or third in stress in 18 of the 31 categories. So why get married in June? Call me cynical but I suspect even the most romantic of us doesn’t want to waste a good month like June on a marriage that’s probably doomed from Day One anyway.

I graduated from St. Mary’s Elementary School and Chilton High School in the month of June. Both times barely. I also graduated from UW-Oshkosh in June. I married twice in other months, both which ended up in disaster. It’s not that I didn’t try to get married in the cherished month of June. I did. I really did. I just couldn’t find anyone who would waste this month on me. You save June for that someone special.

Hollywood is, for the most part, Milwaukee in withdrawals. Imagine yourself blindfolded in your car out in the garage with the engine running for say…a couple of days. Suddenly a lunatic strung out on methamphetamines starts tossing firecrackers at your gas tank. That’s L.A. If the air doesn’t kill you someone else will. So why do I stay here? Where else can you watch a celebrity buy condoms?

Stars are everywhere and then suddenly they're not. Some of you might be planning summer vacations for June. It’s beautiful out here this month, especially down by the beaches. Huntington Beach is my personal favorite. It’s the birthplace of the thong. The good news is that L.A. mosquitoes are far and few between and only a tenth the size of Wisconsin mosquitoes. The bad news is some of them carry the West Nile virus and you might be going home in a body bag. Look at it this way. At least you won’t be getting air sick on the way home.

Hollywood is truly the show biz capital of the world. You could run into a celebrity on any street, in a grocery store, a race track or out buying condoms. Be prepared for a bit of a shock, though, because stars never look the same in person as they do in moves or on television. Not even close. You might have trouble recognizing them at first. I know I always do. Here are just a few guidelines that might come in handy should you find yourself face-to-face with a star:

1) Famous movie actresses are never as beautiful in person. As absolutely gorgeous as Nicole Kidman is on the big screen, a friend of mine saw her at a mall and mistook her for Carl Reiner. I met Barbra Streisand, without any makeup, in a Westwood yogurt shop and to this day anything in a cone sends me into cold sweats. (She was, contrary to tabloid fodder, very friendly to everyone in the shop.)

Rule of thumb: Famous movie actresses are famous because they’re beautiful on the screen. Not in person. If they were beautiful in person they’d be hookers.

2) Famous actors are much shorter than normal people. Not Munchkin short but shorter than your average Wisconsinite. So if you’re close to six feet tall or taller and try approaching a male star shouting enthusiastically while waving your arms over your head in circles, there’s a good chance you’re going to get this look on their face that just screams, "Please don’t hurt me!" I got that same exact expression on both Martin and Charlie Sheen’s faces. I ran into Charlie Sheen in a Culver City gun shop and was surprised to find out he wasn’t much taller than a kid’s broomstick. One of his Nikes was held together with duct tape. True story. I tried to comfort Martin Sheen, whom I met in a movie theater a couple months later, by telling him I had met his son in a gun shop but that seemed to scare him only more.

3) Don’t ask for autographs in public restrooms. While this will infuriate most stars it might put you on the unwanted Christmas lists of others. A neighbor of mine was still getting Christmas cards from Liberace six years after his death!

They say people are the same everywhere. Who ever said that has obviously never been to L.A. If people were the same everywhere there wouldn’t be any reason to vacation in Wisconsin. Sure you have the county fairs, getting drunk in a beer tent and pigging out on Johnsonville bratwursts and corn on the cob but in the end it’s you people that make Wisconsin well worth the trip. It’s you people that I miss the most about home. I'm sure it's what everyone misses the most about their home town.

Have a fantastic June. I heard it’s a month to die for.

Now if any of you fine ladies out there are interested in marrying a comedy writer there's always next June.

I can always be reached at

             Hollywood Daze

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Blogger

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360

It’s May and summer is hiding just around the corner. Out of sight but not out of mind. In Wisconsin I imagine you’re probably putting up the screen windows and dropping the boat back into the lake. If you haven’t already done so. In L.A. we’re dusting off our ammo and grinding down the serial numbers on our handguns. Ain’t summer grand?

I don’t know about you people, but some of the best memories of my long life percolated out of a summer’s heat. A cherished childhood memory of stock car races out at the Chilton fairgrounds. My first job was selling soda in the stands. A demolition derby, to a child’s eyes, was far more exciting than anything Vegas could come up with today. Swimming at Koffer dam. Playing baseball with the Keuler family across the street, especially since I had a huge crush on Mary Kay Keuler for years and years. Bratwursts and corn on the cob on the grill. Eating with the family on our homemade picnic bench under the tree we tied a tire to for swinging in the shade. Soaking the lawn in late afternoon so we could gather night crawlers that night, armed with only a flashlight in one hand and a bucket of dirt in the other. Catching fire flies in a bottle. As I fondly remember it, Chilton summers were the stuff great dreams are made of. How do you remember summers in your home town?

The only fast food restaurant in Chilton back in my high school days was the A&W out towards the edge of town. I don’t even know if it’s still there but in the early 60’s that was the only place where all the kids could meet. The Youth Center on Main Street hadn’t opened yet. The really "hot" girls were cheerleaders during the day and car hops at the A&W after school. I believe at one time they even wore roller skates. Rosemary Pfeffer was tall, lean and one of the hottest cheerleaders to ever walk the halls of CHS. She also worked at the A&W and having her bring me a "Black Cow (Root beer & ice cream) and a burger was the closest I was ever going to get to Heaven. A deal at any price.

In L.A. fast food restaurants are where tomorrow’s famous actresses make a living today. There is a young blond, Amy Ball, who works at a local Del Taco. She eerily resembles Marylyn Monroe but has the attitude and free spirit of Jim Morrison. I mentioned her name so you can jot it down because there’s no doubt she’ll be famous. Then you can say you read it in "Hollywood Daze" first. When you’ve lived out here as long as I have you develop a strong sense of who has that winning combination of talent and moxie and who doesn’t. Now Rosemary Pfeffer might have stood a chance at fame but I don’t think she ever made it this far west. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

My grandparents owned a home on Big Island Lake halfway between Mountain and Lakewood, Wisconsin. The best summer vacations of my life were spent on a boat there fishing for Northern Pike and Muskies with my brother and cousins. The lakes are so toxically polluted around L.A. today that if you did catch anything odds are it would just glare at you through all three eyes and run away on its many legs. There was a log bunkhouse at my grandparents place where all of the boys slept in assigned bunk beds. Girls weren’t allowed. My grandfather carved a character’s name from the TV series,"Bonanza", at the head of each bed. I was the oldest cousin and so became "Adam". My brother was the only portly one so he was our de facto "Hoss".

Although we envied the kids living in Southern California at the time because they had Disneyland and the beaches, I learned once I moved out here that we indeed had it best growing up in Wisconsin. Sure we had the stifling humidity and mosquitoes the size of B1 bombers but the kids growing up in L.A. envied our warm summer nights fishing on Big Island Lake. How many of you, at a really stressful moment, have closed your eyes and gone back to your summer fishing days as a kid? Try it. It sure beats Prosaic.

I read in the Chilton Times-Journal that Sarah Campbell of Hilbert will be traveling to California this summer to participate in the 8th Annual World Championships of Performing Arts. According to the article the competition will be held in Hollywood, which to outsiders, sounds quite clamorous. But the truth is that even Compton in daylight hours is safer. I’ve managed three apartment buildings in Hollywood with one across the street from the Hollywood Bowl and another down the block from Paramount Studios and I can tell you Hollywood isn’t the Tinsel Town you might think it is. The LAPD considers Hollywood to be one of the most dangerous area in L.A., especially at night. That doesn’t stop millions of kids from all over the world pursuing their wildest dreams here. It didn’t stop me. If you do come out here you should always park your car in a well lit parking lot next to Hollywood Boulevard and avoid the side streets and alleys. Don’t talk to any strangers unless they’re wearing a Packer shirt, speak English and actually know who Brett Favre is.

Sarah Campbell sounds like she comes from a well-grounded family. Her father installs car upholstery, which out here, is done primarily in Tijuana by men in open, sweaty shirts with a cold Corona in one hand and a needle and thread in the other. Can you even buy Mexican beer at any of the liquor stores in your home town? If you look at some of the fathers of the stars who succumbed to tragic ends (Maryln Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Natalie Wood, Dorothy Dandridge, Billie Holiday) you won’t find a single upholsterer in the lot. Maryln wasn’t even certain who her father was! There’s something priceless about being brought up in a well-grounded Wisconsin family. Even if it is in Hilbert. If you wonder how someone like Hilary Swank could win two Academy Awards for best actress and still maintain that small town charm it’s because she grew up in Bellingham, Washington. It’s a beautiful small town along Interstate 5, just 60 miles south of the Canadian border. (Think of Chilton with Duty-Free shops.) Even though Hilary lived in a trailer park, her mother assured her that she had the talent to pursue her dreams just as long as she didn’t forget where she came from. My guess is Deb and Pat Campbell are doing the same thing for Sarah.

If Sarah, who looks like a young Michelle Pfeiffer with a better nose, were to ask me for advice I would say that you shouldn’t dwell on any rejection coming your way but just enjoy the love of the art. Don’t expect fame but just appreciate every moment you’re allowed to practice your craft. And bring plenty of sunscreen. summer for dreamers. Our entire office complex here at Hollywood Daze is filled with dreamers. That and a sprinkling of illegals from Central America, South America, Argentina, the Ukaraine, Parts of France (The good parts) and Greenland.

Good luck to all of you from the entire staff at

                Hollywood Daze

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Blogger

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360

This is the last Hollywood Daze I'm going to write. ......................April Fools!

Okay, so April Fools Day is still over a week away, I had to give it a shot anyway. April Fools Day is such a wonderful day when you think about it. Go ahead. Think about it. It’s the one day when it acceptable to lie, if only briefly. It’s also an opportunity to practice for those who just don’t lie often enough. It’s also a day chock full of unexpected surprises. I’ve always thought that if I ever had a daughter by an unplanned pregnancy I would name her April Fools Neuhoff.

This month I would like to talk about the unexpected surprises in life. Both the good ones and the bad ones. We all have them. Some of them we give names to and spend a lifetime paying for their college tuition. We try to teach them right from wrong and wish for the best. And then there are the good surprises. Meeting a soul mate who brings much needed light into the darkest corners of our loneliness. You know the kind of person I'm talking about. Someone who makes you happy just by being in the same room. Then along comes one of those pesky bad surprises and you find out she lives in another time zone and her husband is a mercenary with a short fuse.

Falling in love is one of life's most beloved unexpected surprises. Some people will meet the love of their life on the Internet. Statistically, though, you stand a better chance of getting struck by lightning....with a winning lottery ticket tightly clenched in one hand. But there are always those lucky, lucky hearts who will find love hiding somewhere between Google and Yahoo. Or perhaps even perusing the blogs.

Divorce is always an unexpected surprise. Unless you’re Donald Trump. My first wife didn’t even ask for alimony. She just wanted her maiden name back as soon as possible and any written record of her ever being with me destroyed and the ashes cast into the four winds. She would have been even happier if there was a fifth wind. A lot of people dread a pending divorce but, being a "glass half-full" kind of guy, I figure the sooner you get divorced the sooner you can make the mistake of getting married again.

Winning the lottery is the ultimate unexpected surprise. I never miss buying a ticket. I figure where else can you guy hope for a buck? Now California has both Super Lotto and Mega Bucks so I can be disappointed twice as often. Some lottery winners blow their money on the dumbest things. We’ve all read about the winner who buys his high school teacher a new Ferrari or builds a golf course in the basement. I’ve thought this through thoroughly. If I ever win enough the lottery I’m going to buy an extra thumb for each hand. That way when I am a klutz on a first date I can always break the ice by saying, "I’m all thumbs."

Since I haven’t won the lottery yet I’d have to say the greatest unexpected surprise of my life so far has been my granddaughter, Angel. Who would have guessed that being a grandparent would be so much fun? You grandparents know what I'm talking about. I remember my grandfather telling me that being a grandpa was the single greatest joy of his life. But then this is coming from the guy who thought it was funny to play checkers with his dentures. I know I can safely say that having Angel in my life has been even better than a winning lottery ticket. (Unless Natalie Portman comes with the cash.) Last week my son told me whenever he gives Angel the choice of going to "Chucke Cheese" or visiting Grandpa she always picks me. That’s the greatest compliment a kid can pay you. How come our grandchildren turn out so much better than our own kids? She turned 4 just last month. Her name, Angel, is so appropriate…unless she’s over-tired or you’re trying to eat some of her popcorn. Then just call her... "Damian".

Another one of life's unexpected surprise is military service. Terry Fluhr and I both enlisted in the Air Force under the "Buddy Plan". (He was the only friend I had in school and then only because he felt sorry for me. I was just a dork.) We were told by the recruiter that we would be stationed together throughout our tour of duty. So, of course, Terry and I were both sent our separate ways immediately after our physical in Milwaukee and I didn’t see him again until after I was discharged. The Air Force sent me to Hamilton Air Force Base, tucked away in the rolling hills of bucolic Marin County, 26 miles north of San Francisco. It was 1968 and the height of the hippie movement. I would work as an air traffic controller for six days on the base and then spend my four days off hanging out in the Haight-Ashbury district. The "Jefferson Airplane" and "Mamas & Papas" would play for free in Golden Gate Park while jugglers and mimes entertained us all. Terry served his time in Little Rock, Arkansas where, on a good day, he got to visit the city zoo.  Sometimes life just isn't fair. I was the one who convinced Terry to enlist in the first place. But if you live long enough the really good and kind people are finally rewarded. Terry Fluhr now owns a beautiful home in Chilton and his life is full of close friends and loving family. Don't even get me started on my life out here in L.A.

Oh, by the way, contrary to what I have suggested in past blogs, there are no illegal immigrants working at

                Hollywood Daze......April Fools!

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Blogger

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360