A year can be a long time.

365 generations of fruit flies are born and die in a year.

That’s, coincidentally, also the number of boyfriends Brittany Spears goes through in a year. It's also how long I’ve been writing blogs. Every month a new blog and before I knew it a year had passed. I don’t know what’s sadder. People taking the time out of their busy day to read a blog I’ve written or 365 generations of fruit flies "kicking the bucket".

It’s the last few days of August. In Wisconsin football season has finally returned. In Sechelt blackberries are ripe for picking. Soon there will be bone chilling weather everywhere north of Portland. In L.A. we’ll be frying eggs on our hoods. We live in such different worlds. For the past year I’ve been writing about life in L.A. wishing I were on the Sunshine Coast. Somewhere close to Halfmoon Bay. Maybe as far north as Pender Harbor. A land where the blackberries are free and the air smells like Christmas morning.

August in Hollywood is when all of the shows come back from summer hiatus. I’ve been to at least a dozen sitcoms being taped. Hey, they’re free. If you plan on catching a show next time you’re in L.A. I highly recommend comfortable underwear. You'll be sitting for at least 4 or 5 hours. The scripts are autumn crisp. The actors fresh out of rehab. Take some show biz memories back home. See a few stars up close and personal. Just remember that as a general rule actors are much shorter in person and movie actresses are never as beautiful in person as they are on the big screen. If they were beautiful in person they’d be hookers.

I met Charlie Sheen in a Culver City gun shop about 15 years ago. My son pointed him out to me because I didn’t recognize him. He’s not much taller than a croquet mallet and wore running shoes held together with duct tape. His body guard went out to the car for something so I walked up to him. He had this terrified look in his eyes that screamed, “Please don’t hurt me!”  I met his father, Martin Sheen, a couple of months later and he had the same look in his eyes. Of course that might have had something to do with my starting the conversation by saying I had met his son in a gun shop.

Last year I talked with Charlize Theron in a Hollywood gas station. Charlize ran in to buy four packs of cigarettes and get out before anyone recognized her. She had obviously just stepped out of the shower with wet hair and wearing an old T shirt. While she’s stunning on camera I’ve seen hotter waitresses at the Lighthouse Pub. Much hotter. (Especially that redhead) When I told her she was a brilliant actress she lit up and I saw that megawatt Charlize Theron smile.

I suppose my feeble claim to fame is appearing on "The Dating Game" as Biff Nerd, a character I was doing in my standup comedy routine at the time. I won a week’s vacation in Bogota, Colombia. To this day I can still ask for directions to the bathroom in perfect Spanish. At least it seems perfect to me. There was also my comic strip in Larry Flynt’s "Hustler Humor" but it was printed only once and they took out my best lines. Editors are the devil’s disciples. You can quote me on that.

For now I,m working on “Fortune Man”, the same improv act I performed at Sechelt’s Chatelech Theatre last year, thanks to Norm Blair who invited me up. To pay the bills lately I’m giving tours of stars homes to tourists from all over the world. Even a few from Campbell River. If there is a God I’ll be living on the Sunshine Coast by year’s end. I say that every year and another year goes by.

We all make career decisions and mine brought me out to L.A. a hundred years ago. Maybe that was a bad decision but it was my decision. The way I look at it is if God didn’t trust our judgment He wouldn’t have created Free Will and the Spice Channel.

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360

Hollywood Tickets

While I realize my Canadian friends don't celebrate July 4th. I thought I would submit this blog anyway. In Hollywood you know the 4th of July is just around the corner when the L.A.P.D. starts running their public service announcements in movie theaters and on television imploring people not to fire their guns into the air. They won’t admit it but I suspect some of these same cops, bored and angry at working the holiday shift, are firing their service revolvers into the air as well. Probably just down the block from the gang bangers who are doing the same. My son and I used to stand out on his back porch and try to guess what kind of gun was being fired after every loud bang. Now and then you would hear a shotgun.

All the L.A. city and county parks are filled on the 4th with large Mexican families. The sweet smell of carnitas and beans fills the air. Metal tubs of Corona (Beer of choice) in ice are next to every picnic bench. Drunken men in cowboys hats struggle to stay on their feet long enough to play soccer with family and friends. Some bring their portable TVs so they won’t miss out on any of the holiday high speed car chases. These are so popular in L.A. that you can actually subscribe to a service that calls you whenever there is a high speed car chase so you can watch it on your cell phone. Only in L.A.

July 4^th is a holiday when celebrities leave the city and tourists flock to Hollywood and the Walk of Fame. Some of the tourists will never be seen again. Hollywood is not the Tinsel Town many people think it is. You don’t want to stray far from the major streets, especially at night. Bad neighborhoods down here can get you killed. I was visiting a friend in Echo Park (The movie, "Training Day", was filmed there) and decided to sleep in my van rather than drive home. In the middle of the night I woke up to find a crack head sitting in my passenger seat trying to steal my radio. Trust me, it’s not a good way to wake up.

Conversely, hanging out in the right neighborhood can make a career. Jamie Kennedy (Scream, Malibu’s Most Wanted, Ghost Whisperer) was a tenant of mine in an apartment building I managed across the street from the Hollywood Bowl. I should have exploited that relationship. While managing an apartment building in West Hollywood I found out one of my tenants worked for ABC Television. That got a Roseanne script I wrote into the right hands at ABC. They didn’t buy it but just getting your script read is a major accomplishment.

I don’t go to public fireworks displays in L.A. anymore. The gangs have ruined that for many of us. It’s also hard to find a place to park. The best fireworks show is at Disneyland. While working as a tour guide to the stars homes I often took passengers down there and stayed long enough to watch fireworks from the parking lot. Only a tourist can afford the $63 to get into Disneyland. I can remember when it was $20. I must be getting old.

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Blogger

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360

A June wedding is to die for. At least that’s what they say. Why do so many couples prefer to "Tie the Knot" this month? Sociologist Keith Farrington of Whitman college in Washington State measured the changes that occur each month in 31 social indicators, such as marriages, divorces, hiring, firings and suicides. Surprisingly, December, long thought to be a month ripe with suicides, was one of the least stressful while June ranked either first, second or third in stress in 18 of the 31 categories. So why get married in June? Call me cynical but I suspect even the most romantic of us doesn’t want to waste a good month like June on a marriage that’s probably doomed from Day One anyway.

I graduated from St. Mary’s Elementary School and Chilton High School in the month of June. Both times barely. I also graduated from UW-Oshkosh in June. I married twice in other months, both which ended up in disaster. It’s not that I didn’t try to get married in the cherished month of June. I did. I really did. I just couldn’t find anyone who would waste this month on me. You save June for that someone special.

Hollywood is, for the most part, Milwaukee in withdrawals. Imagine yourself blindfolded in your car out in the garage with the engine running for say…a couple of days. Suddenly a lunatic strung out on methamphetamines starts tossing firecrackers at your gas tank. That’s L.A. If the air doesn’t kill you someone else will. So why do I stay here? Where else can you watch a celebrity buy condoms?

Stars are everywhere and then suddenly they're not. Some of you might be planning summer vacations for June. It’s beautiful out here this month, especially down by the beaches. Huntington Beach is my personal favorite. It’s the birthplace of the thong. The good news is that L.A. mosquitoes are far and few between and only a tenth the size of Wisconsin mosquitoes. The bad news is some of them carry the West Nile virus and you might be going home in a body bag. Look at it this way. At least you won’t be getting air sick on the way home.

Hollywood is truly the show biz capital of the world. You could run into a celebrity on any street, in a grocery store, a race track or out buying condoms. Be prepared for a bit of a shock, though, because stars never look the same in person as they do in moves or on television. Not even close. You might have trouble recognizing them at first. I know I always do. Here are just a few guidelines that might come in handy should you find yourself face-to-face with a star:

1) Famous movie actresses are never as beautiful in person. As absolutely gorgeous as Nicole Kidman is on the big screen, a friend of mine saw her at a mall and mistook her for Carl Reiner. I met Barbra Streisand, without any makeup, in a Westwood yogurt shop and to this day anything in a cone sends me into cold sweats. (She was, contrary to tabloid fodder, very friendly to everyone in the shop.)

Rule of thumb: Famous movie actresses are famous because they’re beautiful on the screen. Not in person. If they were beautiful in person they’d be hookers.

2) Famous actors are much shorter than normal people. Not Munchkin short but shorter than your average Wisconsinite. So if you’re close to six feet tall or taller and try approaching a male star shouting enthusiastically while waving your arms over your head in circles, there’s a good chance you’re going to get this look on their face that just screams, "Please don’t hurt me!" I got that same exact expression on both Martin and Charlie Sheen’s faces. I ran into Charlie Sheen in a Culver City gun shop and was surprised to find out he wasn’t much taller than a kid’s broomstick. One of his Nikes was held together with duct tape. True story. I tried to comfort Martin Sheen, whom I met in a movie theater a couple months later, by telling him I had met his son in a gun shop but that seemed to scare him only more.

3) Don’t ask for autographs in public restrooms. While this will infuriate most stars it might put you on the unwanted Christmas lists of others. A neighbor of mine was still getting Christmas cards from Liberace six years after his death!

They say people are the same everywhere. Who ever said that has obviously never been to L.A. If people were the same everywhere there wouldn’t be any reason to vacation in Wisconsin. Sure you have the county fairs, getting drunk in a beer tent and pigging out on Johnsonville bratwursts and corn on the cob but in the end it’s you people that make Wisconsin well worth the trip. It’s you people that I miss the most about home. I'm sure it's what everyone misses the most about their home town.

Have a fantastic June. I heard it’s a month to die for.

Now if any of you fine ladies out there are interested in marrying a comedy writer there's always next June.

I can always be reached at

             Hollywood Daze

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Blogger

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360

This is the last Hollywood Daze I'm going to write. ......................April Fools!

April Fools Day is such a wonderful day when you think about it. Go ahead. Think about it. It’s the one day when it okay to lie. It’s also an opportunity for honest people to practice. I spend all year practicing. I’m practicing right now. It’s also a day chock full of unexpected surprises. I’ve always thought that if I ever had a daughter by an unplanned pregnancy I would name her April Fools Neuhoff.

I would like to talk more about the unexpected surprises in life. Both the good ones and the bad ones. We all have them. Some of them we give names to and work a lifetime saving for their college tuition. We try to teach them right from wrong and wish for the best. Then there are the good surprises. Meeting a soul mate who brings that much needed light into the darkest corners of our loneliness. You know the kind of person I'm talking about. The one person who makes you happy just by being in the same room.

Falling in love is one of life's most beloved unexpected surprises. Some people will meet the love of their life on the Internet. Statistically though, you stand a better chance of getting struck by lightning....with a winning lottery ticket tightly clenched in one hand. But there are always those lucky hearts who will find love hiding somewhere between Facebook and Twitter. Some of you might get lucky reading a blog. Not this blog but a blog nonetheless.

Divorce is always an unexpected surprise. Unless you’re Donald Trump. I’ve been divorced twice. My first wife didn’t even ask for alimony. She just wanted her maiden name back and any written record of her ever being with me destroyed and the ashes cast to the four winds. She even petitioned the court to create a fifth wind. A lot of people dread a pending divorce but, being a "glass half-full" kind of guy, I figure the sooner you get divorced the sooner you can make the mistake of getting married again. I’ve been divorced for more than 30 years now. Not that I haven’t been engaged more than a couple of times. The problem with relationships is that the longer you hang around someone the better the chance they’re going to catch on to who you really are. My life would have been far more romantic if it wasn’t for restraining orders.

Winning the lottery is the ultimate unexpected surprise. I never miss buying a ticket. I figure where else can you guy hope for a buck? California now has both Super Lotto and Mega Bucks so I can lose twice as often. Some lottery winners blow their money on the dumbest things. We’ve all read about the winner who buys his ferret a new Ferrari or builds a golf course for ground hogs. I’ve thought this through thoroughly. If I ever win enough the lottery I’m going to invest in some personal improvements. Like buying an extra thumb for each hand. That way when I am a klutz I can always say, "I’m all thumbs." What else are you going to do with that much money?

Since I haven’t won the lottery yet I’d have to say the greatest unexpected surprise of my life so far has been my granddaughter, Angel. Who would have guessed that being a grandpa would be so much fun? You grandparents know what I'm talking about. I remember my grandfather telling me that being a grandpa was the single greatest joy of his life. But then this is coming from the same guy who thought it was funny to play checkers with his dentures. Last week my son told me whenever he gives Angel the choice of going to Chuckee Cheese or visiting Grandpa she always picks me. That’s the greatest compliment a kid can pay you. How come our grandchildren turn out so much better than our own kids?

Another one of life's unexpected surprises is military service. I wasn’t drafted but enlisted three months after graduating from high school. Terry Fluhr and I both enlisted in the Air Force under the "Buddy Plan". We both liked the uniform, which was the same reason I once wanted to become a Franciscan monk. (What’s not to like about brown robes and sandals?)

We were told by the Air Force recruiter that we would be stationed together throughout our tour of duty. So, of course, Terry and I were both sent our separate ways immediately after being sworn. I didn’t see him again until after I was discharged. The Air Force sent me to Hamilton Air Force Base, tucked away in the rolling hills of bucolic Marin County 26 miles north of San Francisco. It was 1968 and the height of the hippie movement. I would work as an air traffic controller for six days on the base and then spend my four days off hanging out in the Haight-Ashbury district. The "Jefferson Airplane" and "Mamas & Papas" would play for free in Golden Gate Park while jugglers and mimes entertained us all. Terry served his time in Little Rock, Arkansas where, on a good day, he got to visit the city zoo. I was the one who convinced Terry to enlist with me. Sometimes life just isn't fair. To some people every day is April Fools Day.

For more comical info on the writer of this blog go to:  WorldHumour.bravehost.com

Tom Neuhoff
World Humour
"Funnier Than You"

Hollywood Daze/Blogger

Hollywood Daze/Yahoo 360